Helping Your Kids Handle Divorce
By Dr. Charles Sophy, Fri Dec 9th

Every year over one million parents have to talk to their kidsabout divorce. For each parent, the discussions differ, but thegoals of the discussions are universal: to openly and honestlyreassure your child of your love. is painful andtraumatic for all involved – spouses and children alike. We allhappily begin our lives together full of shared hopes and dreamsand committed to a lasting and loving relationship. Yet almost50 % of today’s marriages end in divorce. How parents handledivorce, however, makes the difference in their children'shealthy adjustment or potential maladjustment.

Here’s an example of how to begin talking to your child aboutyour divorce.

Let’s meet Brad: Brad is 9 years old and an only child. He’s theapple of his mother’s eye and dad’s best buddy. Brad is at thetop of his class in school and participates in the school bandand in the spelling bee. He’s also an active athlete – playingintramural hockey and soccer, and running competitively. Both ofhis parents attend all of his sports and school activities.

One day to his surprise Dad takes him out after a soccer gameand tells him "I have something sad to tell you. Mom and I arehaving a hard time, and you may have noticed something wasn'tright between us, and you are right. We’re going to live indifferent houses and you’ll be spending some of the week with meand some with your Mom. I know this will be difficult for all ofus. So we should talk about it openly together and about whatwe're both feeling." Discussing with your children isnever easy. Here are some tips to help ease this transition.

1. Communicate with your spouse (partner): Althoughthings have not worked out in the marriage, the two of you stillhave children to raise together. Be sure you both are inagreement as to the timeline

of the change and give yourchildren clear dates and details. The more solid the plan, theless anxiety your child will experience.

2. Use age appropriate language and details: Afive-year-old and ten-year-old understand very different thingsand have different levels of maturity. Follow their questioningbefore offering details. Be honest, but remember what isappropriate for the age of the child or they will not comprehendthe situation.

3. Reassurance: Reassure them that they will continue tobe loved and cared for by the two of you. Let your children knowthat your love for one another has changed, but that your lovefor them remains strong and constant. Reiterate that the divorceis not their fault.

4. Discretion: Make an agreement with your spouse to notspeak badly about the other spouse to the children. Refrain fromarguing in front of the children and do your best to keep themout of your conflict!

5. Know yourself: Be aware of your own feelings of hurtor anger. Do not make a child a confidant for the pain thedivorce is causing you. Seek a support group to help you throughthis period. Share your feelings with friends and professionals.Children are not therapists!

Always remember: Strive to be communicative and honestduring and after the process because there will bedifferent degrees of feelings over the event as time goes on. Ifyou're communicating honestly, however, you can never hurt yourchild.

About the author:Dr. Charles Sophy currently serves as Medical Director for theLos Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services.He also has a private psychiatry practice in Beverly Hills,California. Dr. Charles Sophy, author of the “Keep ‘Em Off MyCouch” blog, provides real simple answers for solving life’sbiggest problems. He specializes in improving the mental healthof children. To contact Dr. Sophy, visit his blog athttp://drsophy.com.